Thursday, July 10, 2008

You Call That Driving??

Where have all the drivers gone? More and more I find myself traveling amongst a breed of fumbling beginner level vehicle operators; operators so far from "drivers" they are barely recognizable behind the wheel. So what do we, the "drivers" do? We make a list; the list below...

Print this out and distribute it generously. Paint it on bathroom stalls. Carve it into park benches. Announce it over loudspeakers. Print it on T-shirts. Do ANYTHING you can to get this message out!!

10 Tips For a Better You (in the car at least)

. Remember that the vehicle you are operating is not a phone booth. It's okay to talk to people while driving, but first ask yourself this simple question: Is the person I'm talking to in the car with me? If you answer yes, then carry on.

2. Remember that the vehicle you are operating is not a typewriter or a personal computer. True, your vehicle may have an internal computer, but that does not authorize you to type or 'text' messages to others while attempting to DRIVE.

3. Unless the bumper stickers on the vehicle in front of you are INCREDIBLY INTERESTING, you should drive a few FEET behind other vehicles. Hint: feet are bigger than inches. You never know when the "driver" in front of you will forget they aren't operating a phone booth. STAY BACK!

4. Removing less incredible bumper stickers and paraphernalia from the rear of your car may decrease other "drivers" urges to shrink their following distance from feet to inches. Christian slogans and imagery, ie "Real Men Love Jesus" stickers would be my first suggestion for removal. SAFETY FIRST!

5. When there is a turn lane and you would like to turn, steer your vehicle into this lane. It's easy! I mean would you rather 'drive' across 2 lanes or one? If you get in the turn lane, that's one less lane for you to 'drive' through. I know this may be confusing at first, but with a little practice you may notice those horn toots of annoyance tapering off.

6. When you hear the aforementioned horn toots of annoyance, they usually indicate YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG. Oops! You didn't read the tips carefully or maybe you forgot one or two. That's okay. What's not okay is yelling and/or offering vulgar hand gestures in rebuttal. You were honked at because you're an idiot. If you reply, that only proves the point.

7. Think of driving like being in a parade. Everyone is eager to get to the judges stand. But at the same time, everyone wants their float to look it's best when they get there. Be courteous to the other floats in the parade. Don't cut in line, and don't let 6 other floats in front of you either. It's not fair to the floats behind you. Also, keep up with the rest of the parade. If you go too slow or stop for too many spectators, all the judges will go home before you get there.

8. If your stereo vibrates your windows, or your trunk, or your hood, or the streetlights, or the trees, TURN IT DOWN. Honestly, most of the people watching the parade would rather hear the marching band.

9. Choose your vehicle accessories wisely. The only thing announcing you're trashy more loudly than your stereo is your Cherry bomb muffler. Other screaming announcements of your trashiness are airbrushing, confederate flags, spoilers, rims, windshield decals, and naked lady mudflaps. Remember tip #7: driving is LIKE being in a parade. You aren't actually driving a showboat.

10. small men prefer BIG TRUCKS. Be wary of both.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Investigative Journalism Reveals Celebrities & Politicians May Indeed Be Human!

THIS IS AN ALL POINTDEXTER BULLETIN TO SCIENTISTS EVERYWHERE: Of late, domestic and foreign media have been gathering evidence supporting the notion that Hilary Clinton, among others, may indeed NOT be a robot from outer space sent to distract us whilst we are slowly and slyly domesticated and trained to serve deep space alien species of superior intellect hastily making their way to earth.

Recent 'actions' by current Presidential pre-candidate Hilary Clinton have so closely mimicked human emotion, that many speculate she may indeed be one of us! Further investigation by well respected media outlets everywhere has uncovered numerous clips of similar 'emotional' footage of political public figures. This has many scratching their heads in shock. The scientific community has known for many years the devastating effect of celebrity mayhem on society. The gentle public is but a kitten distracted by Britney Spears' shiny trinkets of baldness and custody battles. Such distractions prompted the re-release of model A-L Gore1 (short for algorithm--aren't we jocular?!) into public office to champion environmentalism, thereby cooling Earth and reducing the desires of deep space alien species' of superior intellect to relocate here.

More research must be done in order to conclude conclusively, whether or not these so-called politicians are robot or human. If robot, we must invest in new detection devices and processes, as well as mass public notification systems. If proven human, then we as a species must examine ourselves deeply, in order to preserve our place on this planet...

Thank you and good Vigilance from the kind folks at Dume Scientific Research Network Co. Outlet, Inc. TM 2008 All rights reserved but yours.