Thursday, September 6, 2007

Rob Zombie's 'Halloween' Thrills Janitors Everywhere!

When a horror movie sends that creepy crawl down my spine and makes me lift my feet off the floor, it's because I fear what's under the couch, not because I don't want guts on my shoes!

If at any point during this film, my feet were lifted, it was a gut reaction to keep the popcorn down. Or, to use my knees as a resting place for my bored sleepy skull. I am not against blood and gore in movies, but if that's all the movie has to offer..... BORING! Rob Zombie's 're-imagining' of Halloween is as dull as your Grandpa's slide show of his trip to the golf museum.

Why didn't it work?

"When a villain or a scary character becomes so familiar, so popular, he loses the mystery, so how's he going to be scary?" Zombie asks. Forgive me if I laugh!!! WHOA!!!!! Blood is scary? Demystification is scary? Nudity is so gosh darn scary?! And that dialogue!! YIKES!!!!!! Long haired ugly people like you see on 'Cops' are scary!? Sorry, but if Dateline NBC ran a story called 'The Making of a Psychopath' I sure as hell wouldn't PAY to see it!! Let's get the side by side: Orange is Carpenter/Hill, blue for Zombie.

A clean cut suburban kid snapping
..... A slowly evolving depraved result of circumstance
Michael running a muck on the public VS
..... Michael alone in an asylum making paper mache
An entire asylums' patients roaming free VS
.....A single LARGE patient killing his way out
Grabbing a mask at random to blend
..... Making mask after mask to 'hide your ugly'
A sneaky, calculating, lurking planner
..... A thoughtless brute of a killing machine
A killer with unexplained determination VS
..... A killer with endless emotion-filled back story
A small faceless killer stalking in daylight VS
..... An over sized ogre hiding in the dark
A few choice and necessary killings VS
..... A bloody imagination-free slaughter fest
A frantic tense fearful doctor
..... A friendly hippy-like father figure
Laurie being a geeky outsider survivor VS
..... Laurie being a secretless popular wimpy survivor
An open ended continuing terror
..... A brain blasting delivery of final justice

As previously witnessed, Zombie lacks the capacity to create (or re-imagine) true horror. The last time someone attempted to explain Michael Myers was the laughable Halloween 6. Even that, however, would have made an interesting story if it hadn't been edited to death due to Donald Pleasance passing away.

Rob Zombie says he "tried to make 'Halloween' as different as possible in look, feel, style" from the original 1978 film. Mission accomplished! The original is a rare gem that was masterfully executed by Carpenter and Hill to leave us in a nausea free state of boot-shaking terror; while Zombie's is a boring, bland, predictable regurgitation that could have been made without the name Michael Myers attached to it at all. But then, why would anyone want to see that either?!

Conclusion: This excuse for a movie is a bloody waste of time! (Literally)


1 comment:

JujuCat said...

Agreed: Bloody waste of time. Zombie attempted a realistic take on the supernatural premise with disaterous, no, that's too strong of a word for this movie... um... flacid results. Leave realism to documentaries. We see that all around us every day. Movies are for seeing reality in a differnt way.